Game – Movie Review: Postal (2007)


There are bad video game movie adaptions & then there is Postal…

If that hasn’t sold you & you’re still interested in watching this pile of steaming dog-turd then read on. My aim here is to save you over 100 minutes of your time.

Postal is based off the controversial & uber-violent videogame series Postal & is directed by Uwe Boll. If you recognise that name that’s because he is responsible for some the worst video game movie adaptions to ever be released. His work includes House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark & Alone in the Dark II, Bloodrayne & Far Cry.

Uwe Boll

Postal opens as terrorists flying a plane argue over how many virgins they will get in heaven. After calling their leader & discovering they won’t get as many as they thought they have a change of heart but are over-powered by the passengers & crew resulting in the plane crashing into the Twin Towers.

Yeah…

Postal Guy

Elsewhere the volatile Postal Dude is sick to death of his life in the town of Paradise, Arizona. Mocked at a job interview, embarrassed in the unemployment office & then finding out his extremely fat wife is cheating on him…he snaps & teams up with his Uncle Dave who leads a doomsday cult.

Uncle Dave

Uncle Dave is con-artist at heart & it turns out the cult owes the US government millions in back-taxes. Alongside Uncle Dave’s number 2, Richie & the cult members they devise a plan to hijack a large shipment of Krotchy Dolls (yes it exactly what you think), a rare toy that is selling for over $4,000 online.

Krotchy

However Bin Laden & his gang have been hiding in Paradise as well & also want the dolls to infect with bird flu & distribute to the American children. The 2 groups converge on the dolls delivery point…Little Germany ran by Uwe Boll. *sigh*

Oh & the American government are aware of Bin Laden & George Bush is his best friend.

Postal movie image Uwe Boll

This is a movie that tries it’s hardest to be funny & controversial but only manages to come across as incredibly stupid. No-one takes their roles seriously & it constantly feels like everyone involved is in on some sort of joke that the viewer just isn’t getting.

There are so many bad moments…take the Uwe Boll appearance. He is the owner of Little Germany & gets into a row with the creator of the Postal game that results in him getting shot in the crotch. Before he dies he says that “he hates video games”. It’s about as funny as having a tooth removed…

Uew

We get constant jokes about The Postal Dudes fat wife & how much of a cheat she actually is. Watching men make pretend sex with a morbidly obese woman while spouting awful lines is not my idea of fun.

The film just goes on & on & would be one of the worst movies I had ever seen if it wasn’t for The Postal Dude who at least puts passion into his role even if he comes across as a poor-man’s Michael Douglas (Falling Down).

Gun Cat

Can you believe this movie was ever made? Only Uwe Boll could do this & get away with it. He even wanted to make a sequel via Kickstarter but it never went ahead.

Postal
  • 2/10
    The Final Score - 2/10
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