Video Game Movie Adaptions: The Worst


Welcome to part 2 of my video game to movie adaptions. this time I’m covering the worst of the bunch, the movies that shame us all. The ones that stink like a turd covered in feathers & set on fire. Enjoy….

Super Mario Bros.

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You know I think I might go back & watch this soon to make sure it is as bad as I remember it was Released in 1993 it tells of the story of the Mario brothers who run a small & struggling plumbing company in Brooklyn, New York. Luigi falls in love with Daisy who is digging for bones under the Brooklyn bridge. It’s there they stumble across a parallel universe run by the evil King Koopa who wants to merge both worlds so he can run both. It turns out that Daisy is actually Princess Daisy & is from this parallel world & Koopa wants to use her to merge the worlds. Anyway, Mario & Luigi rescue the girl, kill the bad-guy & go back home leaving Daisy with her father who is King.

Luigi is heart-broken as he had fallen in love with Daisy. At the very end Daisy returns all kitted out like a badass & ask for there help again.

There was never a sequel, thank the gods…..

The movie had some pretty big names at the time: Bob Hoskins as Mario, John Leguizamo as Luigi & Dennis Hopper as King Koopa but regardless the movie was a huge flop. It has gained a bit of a cult following over the years but man, I think it is a terrible movie.

House of the Dead/House of the Dead 2

Ah it burns! It buuurrnnnssss! What has been seen can never be unseen.

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Up there as one of the worst movies I have ever seen, let alone one of the worst zombie movies ever. The plot goes something like this….A load of college kids are off to a rave on some island, somewhere. They all want to bone each other but instead miss the boat & get all sad about it. A smuggler offers them a ride (I can’t remember why) but when they get there they find the party deserted & the place a mess. Some go off to look for people, others stay behind & start getting it on like Donkey Kong, they get killed by zombies. The first group arrive at a big house (oooohhhh – house of the dead! See what they did?) & run into more kids who tell them that zombies attacked the party killing everyone.

 

They fight zombies, they die in heroic ways before running into some mad dude who injected himself with an immorality serum. He eventually dies…. At the end to make sure you remember it’s based off the game the lead college guy’s last name is revealed to be… ‘Curien’ & err….that’s it.

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The 2nd movie is actually slightly better but that isn’t saying much. The sequel picks up just after the first with some mad doctor man testing out his magic serum on some naked girl. She becomes a zombie & goes on a rampage in a college campus.

Much time later a full blown outbreak is occurring on the campus & a special unit team is sent in to dispatch the original zombie & get a blood sample. Lots of zombies attack, lots of blood gets spilled & lots of bad acting weighs me down. The whole film is just one room to another with stupidity & zombies in every scene.

It’s just so boring….

Mortal Kombat: Annihilation

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I liked the first movie, I hated the 2nd. Kicking off directly from the end of the 1st movie it sees Shao Kahn breaking the rules of Mortal Kombat & invading Earth. The rules of Mortal Kombat are broken & everything is up for grabs. Many fights later & its Lui Kang vs. Shao Khan for the future of Earth, Liu wins & that was that.

Problems?

• It starts directly after the end of the first? So why are some of them wearing different clothes?
• Johnny Cage changed actor & gets killed within 5 minutes.
• Sonya changed actor, haircut & hair colour – really?
• Raiden changed actor as well, this guy annoys me.
• So many characters, so many quick pointless deaths, such as Sheeva.
• Jax – how rubbish is he?

I could go on & on, it flopped & rightfully so.

Max Payne

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Ugh, here we go…

One of the only similarities to the game is that Max is a cop whose wife & child were killed. His investigation leads him to a subway where he interrogates 3 drug dealers one of who is killed by some shadowy winged creature (I know, I know). Max’s attempt to get fresh with a woman sees him kick her out & she also attacked winged creatures (don’t you remember them from the game?)

Max gets fitted up for her death & a few others before teaming up with the girl’s sister, Mona. Turns out there is some super-drug that turns people either crazy or super strong but mostly crazy being sold by a shady company. At the end Max takes 2 vials f the drugs & becomes all ‘super soldier’ while seeing visions. I like to think of this part of the movie as Max ‘hulking up’.

Terrible movie that drifts so far from the original game.

Resident Evil: Apocalypse

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The worst Resident Evil movie out of the bunch, I can’t stand this movie & it probably should have been the best as it combined the stories of Resident Evil 2 & 3. The outbreak has reached Racoon City & Alice wakes in a hospital, she makes her way outside to find the city deserted & wrecked. As night falls the zombies & other bio-weapons come out to play. Throw in Jill, the guys from Resident Evil 3 (Carlos etc), STARS (sort of) & the Nemesis & this movie should have been amazing.

It wasn’t…. it sucked. Bad acting, terrible plot & a nemesis that turns good? What the hell?

• Jill Valentine walks into a police station & shoots several zombies in the head. Not a single cop moves to stop her. Now I know they are zombies but the cops didn’t!
• Back story for Jill? How does she know to shoot them in the head? Why is she so sassy?
• STARS are a bunch of idiots who deserve to die.
• Carlos & Nicolai’s interactions are painful.
• The nemesis turns good at the end & teams up with Alice.

What a mess…..

Bear in mind that this is a selection from the movies I have seen, there are more that have reps for begin bad but I have not seen yet. I am going to make a lot of effort to see…..

1. Alone In The Dark
2. Alone In The Dark 2
3. BloodRayne
4. Hitman
5. In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
6. Prince of Persia

Sounds like fun, no?

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