Horror Movie Review: Yule Log (2023)

Let me be straight from the start, I watched this by accident. I was actually planning to watch Adult Swim’s Yule Log but got this one instead. Not paying attention, I hit play and grimaced when I saw that it was directed by Mark Polonia. Yes, this is Polonia Bros Entertainment production and that can mean only one thing.

Not content with giving us one of the worst ‘festive’ horrors ever in Feeders 2: Slay Bells, as well as a litany of terrible movies over the decades, Mark Polonia delivers us a shit-covered present, alongside writer Aaron Drake, with Yule Log.

Is it bad? Does a bear defecate in the woods?

So, why, when I realised it wasn’t the Yule Log I was looking for, did I continue to watch? It’s simple really. I like punishing myself and I have grown a bit of a soft spot for Polonia Bros Entertainment movies. I expect them to be bad, but they might also be entertaining, and that’s enough to keep me watching on.

Unfortunately, Yule Log isn’t just bad, it’s also extremely boring.

Starring Jeff Kirkendall, Michael Korotitsch, and Tim Hatch, it sees three friends heading off to a cabin in the woods. One of them is seriously depressed having lost his partner recently, and the other two are hoping to take his mind off things. Unfortunately, it’s the Night of Mothers, a witch-based legend, and our trio have helped themselves to some wood from a tree that sits upon a cursed mound. A mound that was once used to burn a witch.

Of course, this leads to the awakening of evil spirits when they burn said wood in their cabin, and now they have to fight to stay alive. The Night of Mothers has begun, and absolutely no-one will care.

Yule Log really is a rough watch, and aside from the ‘yule log’ name, it’s hard to see this as a festive horror in anyway. Every single positive that can be squeezed out of this film, is weighed down by undeniable negatives. For example, some of the acting isn’t the worst, but the dialogue is awful. Some of the practical effects are ok, but the CGI stuff is embarrassingly bad. It’s not got horrible sound, but it’s filmed with almost constant close-ups to people’s faces.

Problem after problem, and while it might be par for the course with Mark Polonia, it doesn’t get any easier to stomach.

What really makes Yule Log a bad movie though is the fact that it is boring. Watching and listening to three dudes with little chemistry talk about nothing, having constant interruptions to get even more convoluted Night of Mothers detail, and very little horror action, will send most people to sleep. The lack of entertainment, even at its most basic, is just not good enough.

Is it is as bad as Feeders 2: Slay Bells? Well, no, because that is a very special case. However, it’s not far off it. Don’t make my mistake and watch this instead of the Yule Log movie you meant to watch. Hell, even a 12-hour video of an actual yule log burning is more entertaining than this.