Horror Movie Review: Scared Topless (2015)


‘Ever seen a naked ghost?’

Scared Topless is a horror-comedy that sees a group of students spending the night at a haunted mansion as part of their studies.

These ‘students’ are hardly kids but considering the amount of sex that goes on that’s not a surprise. After the opening couple of minutes I had to stop & check to make sure I hadn’t accidentally put a porno on instead.

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There are a lot sex scenes in this movie which makes sense when you see that most of the main cast are adult film stars. This isn’t the first horror to cast pornstars in roles but the gratuitous sex scenes that go on for ages are just too much. By time the movie has reached 27 minutes in there have been three lengthy shag sessions.

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When sex isn’t happening we get some hilariously bad acting & hilariously bad dialogue. No-ones expecting Oscar winning stuff here but the comedy is weighted towards these characters & their idiotic lines. It rarely hits but when it does it can be funny. One character upon finding out they are going to conduct a séance voices her displeasure to their teacher who says:

“How where you expecting to contact the dead? On Facebook?”

Her response is golden.

“There’s a bunch of dead people on Facebook!”

I laughed. It’s stupid but it’s not trying to be anything but a silly, over the top horror/softcore porn movie. It’s non-stop.

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Not enough water for individual showers? Have a group shower with lengthy up close shots of soapy boobs! They even end these scenes by looking directly at the camera with a smile!

Catch a pair of trespassers? Start having sex with them in the pool or at least pretend too as they awkwardly writhe up against each other.

The plot is non-existent for most of the movies run time. By the halfway point it seems as though even the writers had forgotten just what is supposed to be happening beyond another lengthy sex scene. Seriously, when a ghost finally does appear it just leads to another girl on girl sex scene.

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No questions are asked about just who this strange woman, it’s just strip off, kiss & fondle before looking directly at the camera.

Thankfully after this things kind of get going. The girl being seduced by the ghost gets possessed & proceeds to start having sex with her best friend’s boyfriend. He puts up such little fight it’s hilarious.

This is the horniest ghost ever.

“You felt her presence?”
“That’s not all I felt.”

I’m still not convinced I didn’t accidentally watch a porn flick instead. It’s tongue in cheek approach is warming but it’s so light on horror & comedy that it’s hard to recommend for fans of the genre.

Scared Topless
  • 3/10
    The Final Score - 3/10
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