Horror Movie Review: Psycho Santa (2003)

Thank the stars that this is the last Christmas horror we will be reviewing this year. It’s been a fascinating run with a number of great and terrible entries this year (2018). Wrapping it up for us is this obscure film written and directed by Peter Keir.

An anthology of sorts. A couple are on a long drive so to pass the time, the man decides to tell stories of a psychopathic Santa killer that stalks the local region. Three separate stories, three urban legends about this maniac who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake.

Sounds great, right? Well, it is not. Not at all.

The first story sees a pair of young women arriving at a remote cabin where they are staying over the holidays. Another friend of theirs is supposed to be meeting them but she is nowhere to be found. They figure she’ll be along soon so set about relaxing. One by taking a shower and the other by looking for their missing friend.

It’s the one in the shower that we stick with as we get a lengthy, full frontal nudity sequence that belongs in softcore porn. Seriously, she even squirts shower gel onto her chest and starts rubbing it like it’s porn. It goes on for ages and to make matters worse, absolutely nothing follows it.

This story is mind-numbingly boring and every sequence is dragged out to excruciating lengths. You’ll not forget the ‘five-minute drinking and dance while someone watches from outside’ scene anytime soon. Purely because it’s amazing anyone would think this makes for an interesting watch.

Eventually, this story finally looks like it is about to kick off when the door bursts open and what happens? We cut back to the couple in the car where he tells his girlfriend how they died. Fun!

The second story is slightly more watchable as it’s faster-paced and shorter but is still really lacking. It revolves around a burglary, a blind woman and the psychotic Santa waiting in the basement. Hoping for a bit more action? Don’t bother. The psycho kills one off screen and once again we go back to the car to hear how the other died. So much fun!

The third and final story is the worst of all and confirms that Psycho Santa has zero substance and nothing good to offer the horror world. It sees a brother and sister break down in a remote woodland. With no one around they are forced to trek on foot so off they go and we get to enjoy this walking section in real time. It’s flabbergasting how much of this film is padding which might just have been forgivable if the payoffs were worth it but they’re not.

Here the pair come across the killer and instead of a gory and visceral set of murders, he leaves them alone. So. Much. Fun.

A shocker, an absolute shocker of horror movie that feels like one big joke. Cut out all padded scenes, all the pointless moments and the unsatisfying payoffs and we’d have a film that barely lasts half an hour.

Utterly tedious.