Horror Movie Review: Pet Sematary: Bloodlines (2023)

In 1989, one of the rare ‘good’ adaptions of a good Stephen King property was released. Called Pet Sematary, the story was simple, telling the tale of a cursed Indian burial ground site that had the power to reanimate the dead. However, they came back changed, and the result for the living was always bad – sometimes dead is better.

In 2019, mainstream horror being bereft of fresh ideas, a remake/reimagining was released. It was a poor movie by any standards, proving to be downright lazy, aiming for mediocrity and succeeding with flying colours.

Yet it was financially successful, and that’s all that matters. So, it’s no surprise that Paramount have dragged the corpse of this franchise, buried it in the shallow depths of their personal cursed ground, and are gleefully watching as it drunkenly staggers around. All while expecting it to make a ton of money with its shambolic performance.

It’s Pet Sematary: Bloodlines, directed by Lindsey Anderson Beer, and written by Beer and Jeff Buhler. Serving as prequel to the 2019 remake, it explores the character of Jud Crandall as he finds out about the cursed ground and what it can do.

Which should make this film an easy homerun, after all, both the original 1989 movie and 2019 remake made it clear that his involvement goes way back. All it needed to do was tell that story in a competent, character-driven, and tense way. Yet, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines fails to do any of this.

Set in 1969, in the town of Ludlow, a young Jud Crandall (Jackson White) is planning to leave the town with his girlfriend, Norma (Natalie Alyn Lind) and join the Peace Corps. His parents Kathy (Samantha Mathis) and Dan (Henry Thomas) are supportive, even if the latter struggles to express this.

As Jud and Norma drive out of town, a bird hits their windshield, seemingly startled into their path via a neighbour’s dog. A dog that looks hurt, so they decide to lead it back to the owner. Which just so happens to be Bill Baterman (David Duchovny) whose son, Timmy (Jack Mulhern) has just come back from Vietnam. Which should be a cause for celebration, except both Bill and Timmy seem… off.

No matter, Jud and Norma are on their way out, right? Sike! Norma gets bitten by the dog and is rushed to hospital where she will have to stay for a few days. This gives Jud the opportunity to try and reconnect with his old friend, Timmy, but the boy’s behaviour continues to disturb him. As he begins to ‘dig’ he will discover the truth about Timmy, but he will also unearth the legacy of Ludlow and his own family’s involvement.

Where to start with his absolute rubbish? The story is extremely poor, told in the most predictable and nonsensical way. Dropping any character depth so there is no feeling towards any of the events that occur here. Take Timmy as an example, the movie could have kept us in the dark. Wondering if his behaviour was because he was suffering from PTSD having fought in the Vietnam war or because he had been reanimated in the cursed ground.

Instead, the movie literally opens showing him being buried by his father. So, from the word ‘go’, we already know what he is.

Where’s the freaking tension and intrigue?

Likewise, rather than spend time showing the deep childhood friendship that Timmy and Jud had, the movie thinks a picture of them as kids and a late-throwaway line is enough for us to feel their bond. That there’s also a third friend named Manny (Forrest Goodluck) should tell you all you need to know about how under-baked this aspect is.

Hilariously though, right near the end, the movie shows some brief cuts of them as children suggesting that they filmed segments. Was this movie cut to pieces? It certainly feels like it, and if it was done to ‘tighten’ up the story, all it has done is result in it having absolutely no depth.

If all of that wasn’t frustrating enough, the movie makes no attempt to deepen the lore. Even a flashback scene to a much earlier time just repeats what we already know. The ground is sour, people come back as monsters, and death follows.

Yet, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines also confuses the base idea too. The character of Timmy is less ‘zombie’ like, able to sneak up on characters, and move around at speed. All while his body constantly creaks because of rigour-mortis. It’s nonsensical and the film is filled with these baffling moments. Another good example being a character, later reanimated, having such rotten skin that it peels off with a wipe of the cloth, yet was only in the ground for a few hours and can chase another character with all the gusto of a slasher villain.

All this, while Timmy, who has been reanimated for days, looks a bit… pale.

This review could go on and on about the dumb little moments. Yet, it also has plenty of dumb big moments. This is Jud Crandell’s story, right? He’s the link between films, so that’s where all the effort has gone, right?

You already know the answer and it’s not good. He could have been anyone and it wouldn’t matter. He’s not directly involved in any of the events, just caught up in them, and yet somehow, the film will end as though he has been through something so profound, he chooses to stay in Ludlow rather than leave. His character is trash, but that’s par for the course with Pet Sematary: Bloodlines.

Every character is awful, every character is pointless, and every character is stupid. Yet, to make matters worse, a lot of the acting is extremely bad. The likes of David Duchovny and Pam Grier are absolutely wasted, whereas the likes of Henry Thomas and Forrest Goodluck are just awful. The amount of awkward and wooden dialogue is impressive, and even the actors who are doing ok (Natalie Alyn Lind, Jackson White, and Isabella Star LaBlanc) start to get sucked into this vortex of awfulness.

Finally, there’s the horror and you’ll be stunned to know that Pet Sematary: Bloodlines even manages to mess this up. Lacking any kind of tension or dread, refusing to let our imagination fill in the blanks, and thinking gore will make up for the lack of genuine frights. Yes, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is gory, but it has a fake feel that adds a cartoony sheen to everything. Not only that, we often only see the aftermath of death, in particular, at the end when several characters are killed off in quick succession.

Although you might struggle to notice because the final 15-minutes of the film are so dark, it’s hard to make out anything that is happening.

Worse than the 2019 remake, worse than the 1992 sequel to the original, Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is so bad, it offends. Please, for the love of all that is holy, let this be the end of this attempt to make a Pet Sematary franchise.