Horror Movie Review: Land Shark (2017)

It’s unlikely that even during the ‘shark boom’ of a few years ago, many would have seen Land Shark and thought of it as something entertaining. A cursory glance, 10 minutes of watching… it wouldn’t take much for most to realise this is a bad movie.

However, there’s a far bigger warning sign and that’s who the writer and director is. Admittedly, it’s one that only regular purveyors of his work might notice but even a glance through his IMDB credits speaks volumes.

We are, of course, talking about Mark Polonia. A man responsible for two 0/10 movies on this website. Feeders and Feeders 2: Slay Bells. Along with other such terrible movies like Night Crawlers, Amityville Death House, Amityville Exorcism and Amityville Island. These are just some of the ones we have subjected ourselves too.

It gives us no pleasure to describe Mark Polonia’s work in such derogatory fashion but the man makes trash. Yes, it is admirable that these movies are made on a shoe-string budget but, and this is the really important thing, they look and feel like they were. There are countless indie offerings out there that make their nothing budget work.

So, all that being said, it should not come as any surprise that Land Shark is a terrible movie. We’re talking terrible story, terrible acting, terrible audio and terrible effects.

Sarah French plays Lucinda, a scientist working on a top-secret project involving sharks. Thinking the work they are doing is for the good of all, she is shocked to discover that there is an ulterior purpose to the experiment. Led by Dr. Foster (Peter Baldo) who answers to Dr. Lorca (Kathryn Sue Young), the experiment is actually to equip sharks with the ability to survive on land. Why? Something… something… military.

Of course, Lucinda is disgusted by this news but is forced to team up with Dr. Foster when one of the shark’s escapes and starts wreaking havoc on land as well as the water.

It’s very cliché and it’s very cheesy, which can be a fun thing. Except Land Shark is so dry, it’s impossible to enjoy. The characters are non-existent and the actors deliver their lines as though they have one eye on the catering. The tinny sound and monotonous dialogue make hearing it even less fun, and the effects… well, props can be given for making a practical shark puppet. It’s just a pity it looks like it is made out of paper mâché. Ugly.

Watching this movie leaves you with a constant scowl. It’s not the worst thing we’ve seen from Polonia but it’s not far off.