Horror Movie Review: I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)

A ‘so bad it’s good’ film through and through, I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is a must see for any fan of horror with an overpowering stench of British humour. You’ll spend most of its runtime laughing at how bad it is, but enjoying pretty much every second of it too.

Directed by Dirk Campbell from a screenplay by Mycal Miller and John Wolskel. I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle is set in Birmingham, stars Neil Morrissey (pre-Men Behaving Badly) as Noddy, and focuses on a motorbike with a really dark history.

How can a motorbike have a dark history? Well, this particular bike belonged to a motorbike gang who interrupted a satanic ritual and used a crossbow to kill the satanists. During this melee, one of their motorcycles is possessed by a demonic spirit and now has a thirst for blood. Being damaged during the chaos results in the bike being dumped and it ends up at a garage where Noddy comes along and decides to buy it and fix it up.

It’s a gorgeous machine, that is until the sun goes down.

If you think all of this is absurd, you’d be right, but in the end a vampire motorcycle might be the most sensible thing about this film. Humour that alternates between wry Britishness, Troma style gross outs, and braindead silliness, this really isn’t a film for everyone, that’s for sure. In particular those who like a coherent story, a tight pace, and some semblance of sense. Which are all things lacking in I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle.

Yet, there’s something so compelling about it. It’s got a mania about it that is prevalent from the start, and only seems to increase as things go on. It’s not just the madness of a vampire motorcycle (which might also be a bit of perv), but the madness of a group who didn’t say no to any idea. How about a talking turd? Sword fighting? A motorbike decapitating Hell’s Angels? It’s all here, alongside a thick helping of cheese and plenty of b-movie splatter too.

What makes all of this nonsense work is the fact that it leans so heavily into British culture and humour. Where the idea of it coming out of any other country would be so off-putting. It’s cheeky, it’s daft, it’s dodgy, and if we’re being honest, it’s bobbins, but you’ll be chuffed you saw it.