Horror Movie Review: Heavy Metal Massacre (1989)

Is this the worst ‘horror’ movie ever made? We’ve seen a fair few of them. Heck, we even made that collection into its own list. There are some pretty terrible entries that have earned the dishonourable score of 0/10 and there’s no denying that Heavy Metal Massacre joins them. Now, we don’t do negative scores, but if we did, this movie would be getting one. Yes, it really is that bad. There’s simply no enjoyment to be found here. It’s a movie not worth wasting a second of your time with. It’s a movie that leaves you with so much regret that you ever decided to press play on it.

A slasher horror film with very little slashing, very little horror, horrendous visuals and even worse sound, Heavy Metal Massacre stars former professional wrestler and movie director Bobbi Young aka David DeFalco. That’s him, with the hair, staring directly into the camera, trying to look as cool as possible but coming across like a Motely Crüe cover-band audition reject.

If you make it through the first ten minutes, which consists of a handful of credits, Bobbi starring into the camera and a deep dive into his heavy metal collection, then bravo. It doesn’t get any better than this.

There’s next to no plot. This is a movie about Bobbi Young and that’s it. Who needs a story when you’ve got Bobbi to look at?

He’s a killer, going to bars to pick up women, taking them back to his apartment and killing them. The women fawn over how cool he looks, he shows them his apartment and they fawn over how cool that is, then he awkwardly spews some dialogue and they fawn over how cool his drugs are. Before ending up as his victim.

It’s painful to watch and even more painful to listen too. The crappy audio made worse by the glam metal soundtrack that plays over everything non-stop.

The film is all over the place and feels more like a collection of home recordings than a thought-out, well-paced movie. Even the stuff that should and could make it mildly interesting are absent. There’s next to no visual violence and gore. The few times some does crop up, the effects are so bad, you’ll be wishing it would go back to showing you nothing.

Eighty-three minutes of this and for what? For the movie to end so abruptly, they must have run out of tape in their cameras and just thought, screw it, that’s a movie.

Now, we know how this goes. You might be reading this and thinking this is a movie you have to see. It surely can’t be that bad? Maybe it’s a ‘so bad it’s good’ movie? Trust us, it’s not and if you watch it, you will regret it.