Horror Movie Review: Girl House (2014)

Girl House opens back in 1988 where we see two young girls teasing an overweight boy. They call him ‘Loverboy’ before getting him to drop his pants in the hope of getting a kiss. They end up laughing at him which leaves him humiliated.

Later the leader of the two girls is cycling home alone when Loverboy knock her off her bike. She face-plants the metal bridge in hilarious fashion. Hurt, she begs forgiveness from the little lard-arse but he kicks her off the bridge killing her.

The movie then switches to the present day. Kylie Atkins (Ali Corbin) is joining an online porn service called Girl House. She’s the obvious final girl from the moment she is introduced. A wholesome character she is only agreeing to take part in the Girl House project to pay her way through college since her father died.

Girl House is a paid for service that sees a group of women living inside a house 24/7 filled with cameras. The girls go about their lives in the house while stripping for the camera & offering ‘extra’ services for a price. It’s a pretty sleazy set-up dressed up as a professional job. It also makes little sense, the shows are in no way X-rated. In fact often they wouldn’t even be called soft-core porn.

Kylie’s first dance in front of the camera sees her keep her boobs covered & wearing pants. It’s implied that she gets massive viewing figures for this. I mean, really? The same people who are willing to pay for this have the internet at their disposal. Any & all hardcore pornography, whatever the imagination can come up with. Why would they bother with this tame stuff?

The only argument in favour of the Girl House set up involves a select group who are likely to fall in love with the girls & keep tuning in for that reason. The adult Loverboy (Slaine the rapper) is one of this select group. Upon seeing Kylie in the house he becomes dangerously obsessed with her.

Being a nice woman she compliments him & is very kind to him in private chats which leads him to believe that she is his perfect woman. He finally gets comfortable enough to send her a picture of himself which one of the other girls takes & hangs up with a mocking message.

Loverboy sees this message on one of the cameras & flips out, insulted & believing Kylie to be ‘just like the rest’. His day job is as a computer technician so he hacks the Girl House website & finds out where it is. Loverboy does not mix well with others as the girls of Girl House are about to find out.

Girl House requires you seriously suspend your disbelief to really enjoy it. The Girl House project itself is one thing. However the ease & way in which Loverboy is able to hack into it & control almost everything from his phone is downright absurd.

That aside it’s a fairly entertaining watch. The acting is decent & Loverboy is a character that you really don’t have any sympathy for. That one incident as a child may have turned him into an obsessive loner but that doesn’t mean he needed to don a cool looking mask & go on a murderous rampage.

His rampage is by far the most enjoyable part of the movie. Sure, he moves like a cat for a man his size & can somehow disappear & reappear in the same room within a second but he’s an intimidating fellow. He has no issues with dealing out some serious damage to the girls, cutting faces, chopping off fingers & locking them inside saunas with the heat turned up.

He’s by the far the best thing in the movie as Kylie is just too much of a character we’ve seen time & time again in horror. The movie regularly slows down to show some of her life outside Girl House. Her time at college & the interactions with her boyfriend are very slow.

There is an undercurrent of a serious message throughout the bloodbath that occurs once Loverboy arrives at the house. It’s basically about the dangers of the internet & porn in general. Thankfully it’s not shoved in your face or anything but it is there.

Oh & if you’re working for a porn web camera business best try to keep it as impersonal as possible.

A disappointing ending caps off a throwaway slasher horror. It will entertain but leave you feeling unsatisfied (kind of like logging onto the actual Girl House website in the film!).