Horror Movie Review: Croc! (2022)

Croc! AKA Crocodile Vengeance comes from writer/director Paul W. Franklin and stars Sian Altman, Mark Haldor and George Nettleton. A generic and sluggish horror with an odd amount of focus on people having sex.

A crocodile loose in the countryside of Hampshire, England? Sure, why the hell not. We’re all here for a silly, fun and nonsensical time, after all. So why is it that Croc! is none of those things!?

Lisa and Charlie are getting married at an idyllic venue in the English countryside with a handful of family members and friends. Everyone is excited for the big day but unknown to them. A nearby crocodile has emerged and is about to crash the wedding.

If this sounds very familiar, chances are you’re a child of the 80s and saw the raucous horror movie, Alligator. An over the top and fun movie that had a great sequence where the titular alligator crashed a wedding and caused carnage. It was a scene in the movie, whereas Croc! makes it the whole focal point of the movie. With little else to sustain its runtime, it’s no surprise that the movie hits massive lulls, even if some of the actors try to make the most of it with what they’ve got to work with.

Now, Croc! is very much a B-movie so that does mean you shouldn’t take it to seriously. Yet, rather than play up to that, the movie is surprisingly dour and straight-faced. Instead of trashy fun, we have a slow-moving, head-scratching horror that doesn’t make any sense.

How is it that there is a crocodile in Hampshire, England? Why had it never been seen before? Why are most of the characters incapable of escaping from it? Why are stairs its Achilles heel? Where are all the employees of the venue considering a wedding is about to take place? Why is there so much sex in the movie?

Unchain your brain and just enjoy it, right? Well, that’s pretty hard to do when it’s bland, features a poor CGI-ed crocodile, is filled with cliches (no wi-fi or a landline? – come on) and stumbles from one predictable note to another.