Horror Movie Review: Beast of the Alamo (2013)

You can spot a SyFy movie a mile away most of the time. Low-budget, laughable effects, bad acting and a hilariously silly story, it’s the hallmark of a SyFy movie. All of that can apply to the frankly shockingly bad, Beast of the Alamo aka Chupacabra vs. The Alamo.

The plot surrounds a pack of Chupacabra’s who attack a group of drug dealers who happen to be conducting their business in a tunnel. The bodies are found and DEA agent Carlos Seguin (Erik Estrada) suspects it was a deal that went wrong.

In fact he’s sure because he’s such a badass and doesn’t take kindly to anyone telling him otherwise, least of all a woman (Julia Benson). If the plan was to make Erik Estrada’s character wholly unlikable then this tunnel scene will do it.

We get it, he has been around and has busted more perps then she has hot dinners but he just comes across like a bitter old sexist man. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

Warnings are ignored leading to a Cinco de Mayo party being attacked by the pack of creatures. One of the attendees is Carlos’ daughter who is injured which sees the badass swear to end the Chupacabra threat. He just needs backup, which he gets in the form of his drug-dealer son and his band of merry gangbanger sterotypes.

Unsurprisingly the final battle with the creatures takes place at the Alamo where our ‘heroes’ must make their last stand.

It sounds like a load of fun and at times it is but not because it’s entertaining. More because it’s so rubbish, you can’t help but laugh. Grab a few beers and a few pals and you’ll have a blast. However, if you’re looking for a decent horror movie, avoid this.

It’s hard to explain just how terrible this movie is. The cast range from wishing they were anywhere else (Erik Estrada) to everyone else’s inability to take the film seriously. There isn’t a decent performance here, not helped by characters that are borderline racist, sexist or stupid. They’re all so unlikable that you can’t help but cheer on the beasties to kill them.

Talking of which…

This is a SyFy movie so you know what that means! Horrid CGI! Like marking off a bingo card, Beast of the Alamo delivers exactly what you’d expect and at this stage, hope for. The fakest looking CGI dog creatures you could ever dream off. What is even funnier though is when characters have to interact with one of them.

It’s so bad but the icing on the cake is how often we’re treated to Carlos riding his motorbike because of course he drives a motorbike.

We see him go from place to place almost in real-time and for some reason the film-makers insisted on close-up shots where Erik Estrada is clearly in front of a green screen. How anyone kept a straight-face here is impossible to fathom.