Horror Movie Review: Smiley Face Killers (2020)

Written by Bret Easton Ellis, directed by Tim Hunter and starring Ronen Rubinstein, Mia Serafino, and Crispin Glover. Smiley Face Killers is one of those movies that insults your intelligence by demanding you just ignore the glaring holes in its plot. That would be an issue in any movie but one that makes the dubious claim to be based on a true story? That’s simply unacceptable.

So, let’s talk about the ‘true’ story this movie claims to base its ideas on.

It relates to a spate of accidental drownings surrounding young men spread across 20+ years. Two retired New York detectives and a criminal justice professor put forward a theory that these deaths were no accident and in fact, the work of a serial killer or killers.

Supposedly, the ‘smiley face’ comes from the police finding graffiti depicting a smiley face near locations that could have been where the killer or killers dumped the bodies.

This is what inspired the iconic author and screen-writer, Bret Easton Ellis (Rules of Attraction, American Psycho) to pen this story. That’s the short version of the theory. What is more important is that this theory has never been proved and, in many cases, completely debunked. It sounds sensational but that is all it is, sensationalism.

So, here we have a movie offering its own take on the story and getting it so wrong, it’s downright embarrassing.

Jake Graham (Rubinstein) is a college student with problems. One of which is that someone appears to be stalking him. His girlfriend Keren (Serafino) is worried that it’s because he has stopped taking his medication. Jake’s more concerned that she is cheating on him with her ex-boyfriend.

He should be really worried about the van that keeps following him, the hooded figure that breaks into his house or that he keeps getting messages about the water wanting him. Jake has become a target for a group of black hooded individuals who plan to abduct him and kill him in what will be an apparent drowning accident. See? That’s the Smiley Face Killers link.

For this to work, for us as viewers to be convinced, the group needed to operate from the shadows and come across like they have planned out every detail of this murder. Unfortunately, that’s not the case at all. If this was actually how the supposed killers or killer operated in real life they would have been caught after the first apparent murder. They’re a bunch of morons who seemingly have no idea what they’re doing and are led by a disfigured man played by Crispin Glover. This is what you call ‘picking up an easy pay check’ as he doesn’t have a line of dialogue.

Every scene will have you throwing your hands up in the air as Jake makes stupid decision after stupid decision. His character is a lesson in frustration which is a real shame as Ronen Rubenstein has talent. Once he does run afoul of the baddies, the film drives off a cliff as we get shootings at a gas station, car crashes and violent stabbings that ensure an autopsy would show that this was not an accidental drowning.

There’s some nonsense about taking blood from Jake as he is so ‘pure’ which seems to have cult connections. However, this is never explored and is just as confused as everything else is.

The worst thing about Smiley Face Killers though? It’s mind-numbingly boring. Nothing happens for over an hour and then when it does, it just makes you angry.