Horror Movie Review: Thirst (2015)

A middling sci-fi/horror, Thirst is a clichéd monster movie with some of the most generic characters seen in some time. It’s by no means a recommend watch but it plays everything so safely, if it was on TV and you had 90 minutes to spare, you could do much worse.

The film begins showing a man driving through the desert at night. He witnesses a meteor crash land nearby so goes to investigate. What he finds is a large pod-like rock with a pulsating sac on it. He is scared off by something coming at him from the darkness but is killed while driving away. The monster attaching some sort of huge tentacle to his chest, sucking him dry.

The next day we’re introduced to Claire (Jes Macallan) and Burt (Karl Makinen), a couple? Or brother and sister? Who knows, the film never explains their relationship. They run a wilderness camp in the desert where they take troubled teens and teach them respect.

Early on we’re told they are running out money and Burt is in trouble with the law for assaulting a previous kid. Drama added and later completely forgotten with no resolution. Something this movie likes to do. Why oh why, could it not just be a monster movie?

Thirst goes for every cliché it can find. Such as the third member of the survival group, Roth (John Redlinger) getting the hots for one of the teens and the pair ‘falling in love’. We’ll get to their awful relationship later but first we have to meet our walking group of horror caricatures.

We have the stoner, the hacker nerd, the no-nonsense black girl, the bitchy white girl, the ‘hot’ girl who is toO nice to be there and the rich white asshole who thinks he is tough. It’s so lazy, made all the worse by some pretty suspect acting. Some are passable, some are cringe-inducing.

Especially as they spout of dialogue that could be from any horror ever with the odd occasional unintentionally hilarious line.

“You want to know who died and made me God? Everyone died and made me God!”

Of course, once out in the wilderness they come under attack from the alien monster. Which results in the most disappointing part of the movie, the monster. It’s just so boring to look at and the CGI does not look good. For reasons that escape me, rather then hide the limitations by keeping it in darkness or in shadows, they sHow this thing off front and centre…a lot.

It does not impress.

By time we’ve hit the hour mark, it feels too long. To pad the run-time we get more and more filler. From pointless conflict to the previously mentioned ‘love’ angle with two actors lacking any chemistry. It begins to feel more and more like a chore to get through the action finale. One that copies everything you’ve seen before.

The monster capturing the love interest when it has killed everyone else? Check.
The hero gearing up in an up close montage? Check.
Said hero heading off to face off against the monster and save the girl? Check.
The nerdy character creating and setting up traps? Check.
A final pithy line said as the monster is destroyed? Check and bloody check!