Horror Movie Review: Splatter Beach (2007)

Inspired by the likes of Humanoids from the Deep and Creature from the Black Lagoon, Splatter Beach is a horror comedy that comes from the Polonia brothers, Mark and John.

You know ‘em, you love or hate ‘em, it’s a Polonia brothers’ film and if you’re familiar with any of their work before or after John’s untimely death in 2008, you know what to expect here. Low budget trash with bad acting, terrible effects, awkward humour, and subpar horror.

All of that sums up Splatter Beach perfectly, yet, this one has some charm that makes it one of the more memorable Polonia films.

The Sea Bright Beach has a problem and it’s something with a whiff of fish about it. The ‘stay out of the water’ rule isn’t going to work here though, as these creatures can walk on land. People are disappearing/turning up dead, but nobody believes local Tess (Erin Brown) and her stories about humanoid monsters from the sea.

Nobody but a visiting college student named Rupert (Dave Fife) who has heard the rumours and is hoping to turn it into a story.

Will the pair be able to prove the existence of the monsters? Will they be able to save the beach partygoers? Will the Polonia brothers ever be able to make something funny in their films?

That last one might seem a bit ‘sharp’ but if you subject yourself to Splatter Beach, you’ll understand the jab immediately. Here, the brothers go out of their way to try and be funny but fall flat on their face every single time. What they seem to think is funny amounts to nothing but outdated jokes about sexuality. While it’s not egregiously offensive humour, it is egregiously groan-worthy humour. Something that is made so much worse by actors that are bad and have very little passion in the piss-poor dialogue they must spout.

It’s hard to overlook the ‘comedy’ aspect in favour of the horror aspect either as the former dominates the latter. Yet, when the film does try to be ‘horror’ it is as poor as you would expect. The monsters are people in suits and some are really struggling to walk in them. The gore effects are Poundland Halloween decoration levels of crap, and everything is either too dark or too bright.

However, the cherry on top is the unintentional hilariousness that comes from the ‘beach dance’ scenes. Where dancing teenagers have been edited into a beach scene while a band plays the same song over and over again. It’s so bad, it simply needs to be seen to be believed. If you make it this far, you’ll either turn it off here, or you’ll start to find its terribleness kind of charming.

It’s a Polonia special, what more do you expect?