Horror Movie Review: Kaatskill Kannibals (2020)

Directed by Michael X. Rose, written by Pseudolus Huxley and starring Joe Jones, James Pogo Lo Rubbio and Kristina Rose. Kaatskill Kannibals is a film that was made. That’s about all the positivity this review can muster.

It feels like a joke. A joke that us, the viewer, are not privy too. As if everyone involved is winking at each other constantly. Aware that what they’re making is trash but will in, some way, be endearing because of that.

It’s not. It’s not endearing. Nor is it cute. Or funny. It’s not clever. What it is, is a terrible movie that has no redeeming moments. A movie that is so bad, it makes you angry because you stupidly ignored all the warning signs and pressed play. It’s a massive middle finger from everyone involved to the tiny audience that would bother to watch it.

The story? Some man finds out that he is the last surviving member of his estranged family and that he has inherited a castle. He tells his girlfriend this and they decide to go visit the castle with some friends for, as they put it, “a weekend of debauchery and orgies”. If only.

Once there, they meet the oddball butler, who explains the family history. A history of cannibalism! We then get a load of ‘period’ pieces that details how said cannibalism got started and what happened over the many, many decades.

When that’s all done, it turns out the cannibals (or should that be Kannibals) are revealed to still be around. Will anyone survive their desire for human flesh? Will anyone actually make it to the end credits awake?

You’re going to have to be seriously drunk or seriously high to get even an iota of enjoyment out of this. It’s so poorly made, poorly told, poorly paced and poorly acted that there’s just nothing to recommend. The only positive is that it’s only 55 minutes long. Yet that is 50 minutes too long. It’s a miserable excuse for a movie and all we can hope is that everyone involved at least had fun making it.