All horror buffs will have invested some time with Stephen King be it through his multitudes of books or through his multitude of movies adapted from his books.
A lot of them are bad, I’m not his biggest fan (although when he gets it right it is super-sweet: The Dark Tower, The Stand, Insomnia etc.) but I’ve see my fair share of King horrors & learnt a bundle from them. Some are more obvious then others but all are worthwhile lessons so you don’t end up dead or worse…
10 – Don’t pick the wrong side when the world has been devastated by a flu-disease.
This one might not actually be up to you I guess, it kind of depends what kind of person you are. If you like kicking puppies & shouting at old people then you should go scoot over to the bad side, if kissing kittens & hugging babies is more your jazz then maybe the good side is your place. Either way a showdown is coming & you’re going to be involved somehow…that is of course provided you actually survived the initial disease & subsequent collapse of society.
9 – Don’t forget to give your father a cake on Father’s Day.
This is super important especially if you killed him a few years back. If you get a cake for some reason then perhaps you shouldn’t visit his grave on Fathers Day, confess your crime & then spill whiskey were he lies. Just saying…
8 – Don’t go wandering in the thick mist full of unknown danger.
Sure it could just be a normal mist but those tentacles that came out of it earlier & dragged off the baggage boy probably belong to something…something big. Maybe you’ve got some responsibilities out there but really, they can probably wait. Mist doesn’t tend to roll in like smoke & certainly shouldn’t result in lots of screaming & death. Stay a while, see what happens…
7 – Don’t put your parts in a huge industrial laundry press that has a taste for blood.
A no-brainer, right? Well…You’d be surprised.
Maybe you’ve got a boss that is constantly riding your back to get the job done no matter what. Maybe your laundry quota is behind & the machine has just broken done. Maybe the guy who can fix it is on break & you can see what the problem is. All it would take is for to reach in & pull out the piece of torn cloth. If you find yourself in this situation ask yourself this… “what would a huge industrial laundry press with a taste for human blood do to you?”
6 – Don’t kill off the main character in your book.
You never know who you might upset. I mean think about it, you’re a successful novelist that has written loads of books all surrounding one character who millions of people love. You’re likely to run into one of these fans one day & odds are the one of them might be a bit unstable.
They will probably not like your story direction choice & might go to extreme lengths to make sure you change it. So probably best you just keep everyone alive…
5 – Don’t upset a town full of creepy kids.
…and certainly don’t make fun of their crop dolls & symbols. Sure we all like corn, some more then others, Don’t judge them for that. Don’t keep quizzing them about the location of all the adults, just get in your car & carry on.
Were you planning to go to this little town? If yes, well you’re on your own but if you weren’t why hang about!? Kids shouldn’t be a bunch of god-fearing corn worshippers…take that as a sign.
(Children of the Corn)
4 – Don’t dump buckets of blood on the local telekinetic girl.
Even if you feel she has wronged you in some way. Come on people! If the local telekinetic girl is a bit shy, a bit sqiffy looking & lives with her well-known religious nut of a mother, stay away. Or better yet, be-friend the girl & help her with her confidence. Try not to embarrass her or in any way make her decide to kill you with her powers.
A tough one, I know.
3 – Don’t bury dead things on a cursed Indian burial ground.
Now I could forgive this one if you didn’t know. Maybe you didn’t like the tidy & respectable plot that they are currently buried in & a long trek through the wilderness to the local cursed Indian burial ground appealed.
It’s not like it is common knowledge that cursed Indian burial grounds are a no-no.
However my forgiveness goes out the window if you’ve been warned about it & told an extensive story about what happens should you use the land. I’m telling you, it doesn’t end well…
2 – Don’t listen to clowns that live in the sewers.
Especially ones so immaculately clean….
So what if he has your boat? Or a balloon? If the balloon is filled with helium it will float, it’s not that impressive. Also why does he appear to be getting off over saying balloons float? Another warning sign that this clown might be a bit ’off’ is his teeth…should they really be that sharp looking?
Probably a good idea just to say no thanks & move on.
1 – Don’t take a job as the caretaker of hotel that is probably haunted.
Money is never that important, how much is your wife, son & sanity worth? If you even have to think about it then maybe the job is perfect for you. Just bring your own booze.
For the rest of you it’s best you turn the job down as it can get a bit lonesome up there & the constant teasing by malevolent spirits make things a bit less fun. Also check that your kid isn’t psychic in some way as well as that might amplify things.
Maybe just stay at home & read a book…