Horror Movie Review: Piranha 3DD (2012)


Piranha 3DD (see what they did there? Boobs!) is set one year after the events of the first film Piranha 3D, a remake of the 1978 horror. The piranha are believed to have been destroyed but 2 farmers disturb a dead cow in a lake which was full of piranha eggs. Cue 2 dead farmers & a new swarm of mutant flesh eating fish.

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Nearby at the ‘Big Wet’ water park we meet Maddy who has returned home for the Summer to discover her step-father has turned part of the water park into an adults-only section. She co-owns the park (having been left it by her mother when she died) but her step-father holds the controlling amount allowing him to do what he wants.

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With the Big Wet to re-open in the next few days he doesn’t want any problems from Maddy who is disgusted by the stripper lifeguards & condom machines.

That night at a staff party we get to meet the rest of the cast whose names are unimportant as their roles are to have sex & die in unusual ways to the piranha. Talking of which, 2 of these teens go to the lake to skinny dip & ‘make-out’ & while they are in the lake a baby piranha swims up her vagina. This will play a part later in the movie when she is having sex & the unlucky man gets his manhood shortened by a piranha!

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You got to accept this movie for what it is…an over the top, silly gore-fest with lots of topless women. It’s not trying to win an Oscar & it embraces its silliness making it a much more enjoyable film.

So it’s fairly obvious what is going to happen from the start, the opening day of the Big Wet is piranha attack day & it’s all you’re really watching this film for. Everything that happens before is surprisingly tame. Side stories about corruption & dirty cops seems pointless & while an explanation about how the piranha get into the water park might seem logical, it’s a movie about mutant piranha that can swim up vaginas…who cares about logic!

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Piranha 3DD is helped by a cast that are surprisingly good with a fair few big names really helping to add some weight to the film. Most are just minor cameos such as Gary Busey & Christopher Lloyd with others like David Hasselhoff having bigger parts but they manage to actually add some extra fun to the movie.

Sadly, for all the fun that Piranha 3DD offers it fails in one very important department…the CGI. The piranha look awful, near cartoonish at times & while the gore flows it looks fake at times with wounds appearing & disappearing through shots. Perhaps less money spent on famous cameos next time?

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The final blood bath is also something of a let-down with far too much focus on David Hasselhoff in his Baywatch/lifeguard role. It’s funny at first but becomes tiresome as we get another slow running shot of the Hoff. The same can be said for boob shots…this is a movie seemingly aimed at one sex & a certain age (pre-pubescent boys). The men throughout are either being sexist pigs, pining after the lead, getting their bits bitten off or having sex with the pool water pumps.

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Almost all the jokes fall flat & will elect more groans than anything else. You’ll feel like you’ve lost some IQ points by the end but…it does have a certain charm & anytime a child gets his head ripped off by a walking piranha I’ll offer a round of applause.

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Ah, you know what you’re getting here & for all its faults it at least knows just how absurd a movie it is & just goes all out for silly fun.


Piranha 3DD
  • 5/10
    The Final Score - 5/10
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