Horror Movie Review: Jeruzalem (2015)


Found-footage horror…are we still doing this?

All these films should come with a disclaimer now, like the parental advisory, explicit lyrics sticker that would appear on album covers (remember those days?). Something like… ‘viewer warning, found-footage inside’ just so it’s not a horrible surprise when the film starts & you realise that you’re watching yet another vomit inducing, barely viewable pile of shite.

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Jeruzalem (I have no idea why it is spelt with a Z) did not come with a disclaimer. If it had it would have read something like this:

‘Viewer, if you would like to avoid your brain leaking out of your ears, if you don’t want to pull your own eyes out, if you don’t want to be made impotent then avoid this movie. Remember that scene from Event Horizon where we see everyone going nuts? Or the opening scene from Wishmaster? That will happen to everyone you love if you watch this movie. It will turn you into a dribbling mess obsessed with sticking string cheese up your nose then eating it’.

Jeruzalem is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, up there with The Wickerman Remake. Do not watch it, I beg you…don’t watch it. Please.

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In an attempt to be original in a genre bogged down by a complete lack of effort, Jeruzalem’s found footage concept are the smart glasses (Google Glass) that the lead, Sarah wears throughout the movie. A spoilt rich woman who is going on the trip of a lifetime to Tel Aviv with her friend, Rachel. The pair are horribly obnoxious & instantly unlikeable. They meet Kevin who likes to travel & is impressively persuasive as he talks them into taking a detour to Jerusalem.

There they take it the sights, act like uncultured scumbags, have sex & remind you just how frustrating the found-footage genre is.

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The movie drags its ass for so long I started to wonder if I was actually watching a horror movie. Eventually everything goes to hell, literally, as the gates of Hell open up & the Apocalypse begins. Sounds amazing right? It really isn’t. It fact the most you’ll see are the occasional winged demon creatures & a brief blurry image of something huge in the distance. It’s fucking Cloverfield in the Middle East!

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The characters are the worst, just horrible people with no personalities with some of the most cringe worthy accents you’ll ever hear. You won’t care about a single one as they stumble their way through the streets, screaming in darkness & saying “what’s going on?” over & over again.

If this is acting…anyone can do it. My fucking cat could have done a better job than some of these people.

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Jeruzalem is my new showcase movie for why I hate the found footage genre. The smart glasses just make the entire movie even more of a chore to view. Blurry & out of focus shots, an third half shrouded in pure darkness making it unwatchable, constant glasses failures with dirt & dust all over. This isn’t clever in the slightest & it will see you reaching for the off switch.

No tension, it throws as many jump scares as it can at you. Stupid behaviour breeds stupid results. Sarah happily leaves her best friend so she can go rescue Kevin, the man she met a few days ago. She puts herself & two army men at risk for a guy she barely knows & who had just been committed for behaving very oddly. It’s all so we can get a dumb jump scare!

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A disappointing ending just caps off a horrific story that bores when you can actually see what is going on. Normally I might suggest ways in which this movie could have been improved but it’s such a terrible movie there really isn’t anyway to improve it.

If there is a score lower than a zero, this movie is it.


Jeruzalem
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