Horror Movie Review: Cockneys vs Zombies (2012)


It’s been far too long since I’ve seen an excellent zombie movie. One that thrilled me with gore, guts & characters that I actually gave a damn about. A zombie film where the zombies were things to be feared even if they were slow. Cockneys vs. Zombies claimed to be able to provide me with all of the above & while it gets a lot right it still eventually falls short of excellence.

The story revolves around the brothers, Terry & Andy who have decided to rob a bank to save their grandfathers retirement home from being demolished. This retirement home is filled with well-known British actors from film & TV such as Alan Ford & Honor Blackman who just want to live out their last years in peace & quiet. Meanwhile on a nearby building site some workmen have uncovered a sealed vault which they open releasing zombies into the East End.

The 2 brothers & their crew (which now includes their mate, their female cousin & the star of the film, ‘mental Mickey’ mess the robbery up & get cornered by the police. Taking 2 hostages they rush out to confront the cops only to find the zombies got there first. It then becomes a race against time to get across East London to get to the retirement home which is now under siege from the walking dead.

Ok when watching this movie you have to engage your funny bone, you have to be able to laugh at old men saying such things as ‘you sloppy tart’ & ‘you yuppie twat’. In the context of the film it works brilliantly & if you know someone like these guys you will totally get the joke. It’s not taking the piss, East Londoners speak like this!

There are some great references to the kind of things that are common place in the East End such as the standout scene of 2 sets of zombie football fans laying into each other. Even in death they can’t let those grudges go….

The main cast are very likable & have just the right amount of stupidity to make them seem charming & the 2 hostages add an extra element to the fun with one of them being a bit of a prick. You have to see mental Mickey though, he made me laugh so much & I totally got excited every time he got on screen. He gets to kick a zombie baby into a sign that bemoans child cruelty!

The zimmer-frame/zombie race is worth seeing as well, it’s surprisingly tense!

SO what goes wrong? Lots of guns & everyone becomes a sharpshooter…the fear factor drops & suddenly it’s just a group shooting the shit out of everything that moves. It tries to be touching near the end but falls flat & the ending is all a bit too easy & a few too many good characters get killed off to soon.

Though a lot of credit must go to the make-up folks as the zombies all look super good & the gore flows like the Thames!

A really good & fun zombie flick that is only let down by its final third – the ending is pretty weak but it is left open for a sequel.


Cockneys vs Zombies
  • 6/10
    The Final Score - 6/10
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